What this blog aims to bring you

Sexism In our City

For those of you working in the Finance Sector you may not be suprised to read such headlines but I have been shocked to what exptent the EHRC findings affect our city of Edinburgh. As one of the largest finance cities relying so heavily on Banking we have got a long way to go.

One of the recommendations of the EHRC was:

• Ensuring maternity, paternity and parental support schemes are in place and effective

Only one company was sited as having a good practice of maternity coaching. Quite incredible considering nearly 30% of the the finance sector was surveyed.

I look forward to working with some of them over the coming years!

http://www.guardian.co.uk/money/2009/sep/07/sexism-city-womens-pay

Working Mother: A talk by Fiona Miller

Many people wont know who the journalist Fiona Miller is but they will be familiar with her husband, Alistair Cambell. As with the other ex inhabitants of Nos 10 there is an even more powerful woman behind a each powerful man! Fiona showed she was one not to pussy foot around and said it how she felt it was whether or not it was a ‘labour’ view point.

Having done some extended research on todays working mother her concerns centred around childcare. The fact that we dont really know its affects on children particularly when most of research comes from the states where many children are in nursery from 6 weeks. She feels that it should be subsidised in the UK and the party who introduces this to thier manifesto will win the next election. Unfortunaley no one party has made this a focus.

She talked of how mothers find the retrun to work difficult with many decisions conflicting. she herslef returned after 12 weeks with her first and feel now a years leave is far more appropriate. She has worked different types of flexible arrangements as obviously her husband wasnt going to change his working hours ‘his job was too big’!

Having not read her book (I’ll have to wait until my 8month old has finished teething and is sleeping at night….could be some time!) I am looking forward to her other findings and hope because of her profile this subject will have its profile raised particularly with the politians.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Secret-World-Working-Mother/dp/0091924235

Toxic Childhood-what next?

Many of you may have heard of Sue Palmers book Toxic Childhood and her follow up book How to Detox…. http://www.suepalmer.co.uk/toxic.php She was in conversation about her findings on childrens development with Prof John Frank from Glasgow Uni (Public Health) at the Edinburgh festival. This talk and the following one with Carol Craig (Centre of Confidence and Wellbeing) really drilled home what an important job being a mother is. I have captured some points from the discussion below with links to other work which can give us confidence to say (to ourselves of course!) ‘My job really does makes a difference!’.

A recent UNICEF report  http://www.unicef.org.uk/press/news_detail_full_story.asp?news_id=890 asking children in England and Wales about thier life has produced some alarming statistics. Despite increases in material wealth the UK (excluding Scotland) and the US fall far behind other comparator western countries for childrens health and well being. Scotland was not included. Prof Frank concluded that should it have been the results would have been similar to those of Northern England and therefore would be even less favourable particularly in respect to behaviour, alcohol, education and poverty. Though many countries are winning the battle of childhood poverty it appears to be growing (above 30% according to charities) in the UK depsite being a target by the present government. The link between single parent families and a doubling in mental health issues was made though no recognition that Sweden also has a high numbers of single parent families but scores well on many of the criteria?

Sue talkedof how teachers report children are not able to concentrate as easily in the classroom. 50% of children are now reported to have language delays which is affecting the way their brain develops and assimulates infomation. This is particularly important under the age of 3 where little or no advice or standards are being given by the Government. Instead many children are in group childcare being cared for by young girls who have had poor parenting themselves. One of the greatest concern in the survey was that kids feel they are just not getting on with one another or with thier parents.

Susan Greenfield a nero scientists is currently looking into the way children process information and what effect this is having on their long term development. The present thinking is that our brains are flexible and much damage can be corrected http://www.independent.co.uk/news/business/analysis-and-features/susan-greenfield-the-toomuchinformation-society-694093.html . However with the average time per in front of screens being 10 hours (including white boards at school) the incident of damage is also increasing.

Marketing to children, particularly through TV, was discussed. France has now banned all marketing to children but there are no moves to do so by this government.

There was a recognition that creative schools can help expand the minds of children. For example Montessori teaching is being introduced to China as their schooling of choice. Such role models as the google entrepreneurs and wikipedia founders show what outcomes Montessori philosophy can bring.

Carol Craig http://www.centreforconfidence.co.uk/projects.php?p=cGlkPTExMQ== talked of the fear in Scottish culture of getting things wrong & blaming others which she believes comes from the church.

Glasgow is now twice as violent as London and New York. Womens health is worse then Poland and Estonia. There is a culture of worthlessness and lack of self respect.

The director of http://www.mindfulnessscotland.org/ spoke of how we can address some of these issues by focusing in on emotional stability. knowing you can ‘get through anything’. Alienation from people is a direct result of technology and drugs so in order to get people off this, they need to learn how to cope with themselves and give themselves the respect. Accepting yourself for who you are is an important stage. Mindfullness has been found to reduce depression and physical pain in studies. retreats and a university course are presently being developed in scotland.

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The Idle Parent by Tom Hodgkinson

Book Review By Jane Ewins 

Penguin 2009 http://www.penguin.co.uk/nf/Book/BookDisplay/0,,9780241143735,00.html

The genre of parenting books provides plenty of opportunities to browse the spectrum of different parenting styles and perspectives.  Authors with a regimental approach offer counterpoints to the bubbly chaos that embeds itself in most households with children.  Tom Hodgkinson’s “The Idle Parent” offers a refreshing look at parenting that makes an enjoyable and thought-provoking read.  The benefits of the “less is more’ approach to family life is nicely explored and his enthusiasm for teaching self-sufficiency to children is an inspirational reminder to exhausted parents that caring for their children need not take as much time, energy or resources as is often given as a way of expressing devotion.  Equally enjoyable is his advocacy of play, pleasure and freedom.  Much of this philosophy follows from the themes of his previous two books, “How to be Idle” and “How to be Free”, and the theme of freedom for both parents and children is followed throughout this book.  The Idle Parent isn’t a manual of short-cuts and quick-fixes for time-strapped parents, rather it offers an holistic approach to running a house-hold where simplicity and frugality are used to relieve the burdens many parents face when balancing their resources. 

For the idle mother, it is not a choice between ‘going back to work’ or ‘staying at home’.  She explores the vast and rich territory between those two barren poles.  She creates her own job, one that she can fit around her children or even stop doing for a few years.  And having made the conscious decision to both work and look after the children, she enjoys both.

The book explores how the needs of children and parents can be balanced, including the needs for parents to work, and describes how his own experiences of commuting, choosing child-care and schools, and travelling with children, can all be negotiated without stress or anxiety by viewing circumstances with flexibility, and more significantly, avoiding creating situations where pleasure and freedom are compromised.  The chapters on the benefits of playing with children, giving children freedom to be outdoors, saying ‘yes’, all remind the reader that children can thrive in relatively simple environments.  Slightly less appealing is the notion that toys are surplus artefacts of childhood, and the chapter on reading is incongruously prescriptive in it’s categorising books as either good or bad.  Overall, this is a thoroughly engaging book which has many passages to motivate any parent to let children be helpful and happy whilst they reap the benefits of their idleness.

Just what exactly does a Doula do?

By Nicola Goodall

“Doulas are like fairy godmothers…..” Kate – had a birth doula for the birth of her first child.

“….having a postnatal doula made all the difference to the family – as it turned out we really needed the support…..” Liz – had a postnatal doula after the birth of her second child.

If I had a pound for every time someone had asked me this question over the last five years or so I’d be a rich woman!  The truth is there’s no simple answer.  Women have always supported each other during pregnancy, birth and the first few months of motherhood and doula’s are really just an extension of that support.  In the tradition of family help around this time the doula is really there to do whatever is needed by the mother.  This is one reason why the rich diversity between doulas works so well.  One woman may just need to hear from someone with confidence that she can birth her baby during pregnancy; another may hire a doula to protect her birth environment if she’s lost trust in the NHS, another to provide help around the house after the birth for a few weeks and the list goes on and on.

Antenatally ideally a mother becomes friends with her doula; she develops a relationship of trust.  As the friendship grows the more likely it is that the support becomes an intrinsic part of the exchange – the doula is more likely to be intuitive to what the mother wants and needs during birth and indeed afterwards.  Along her journey a doula will pick up a lot of knowledge and where appropriate will share this with the family – importantly she is objective and can present you with all the options available to you not just the ones deemed appropriate by the local trusts policies and guidelines.

Many of us are trained in other disciplines too – amongst our community in Edinburgh we have a trained chef, an ex-midwife, a very experienced homeopath, birth educators, massage therapists and we have plenty of children between us bringing experiences of a hundred more professions!!

During the labour and the birth the research speaks volumes.  A woman who has another woman with her who has given birth will reduce her risks of a Caesarean section by half and also greatly reduce her need for assisted delivery (forceps or ventouse) and an epidural.  Why?  Well continuity of carer is pertinent to all healthcare but never more so than during the intimate, vulnerable and some would even say sexual experience of birth.  

Postnatally a doula will “mother the mother” – maybe cooking, caring, cleaning, washing, listening, boosting confidence and  reassuring the mother that she is the consummate expert on her baby – no-one knows how to nurture that life like she does!

If the idea of a doula is appealing to you then the Scottish Doula Network is a wonderful place to explore the idea further.  Here you can look at the research and find almost all the doulas working in and around Scotland.  All doula’s will meet with you to have a chat prior to being contracted – my advice would be to meet as many as you possibly can before you decide who’ll be the best for you and your family.  Its an invaluable resource, may not prove as expensive as you may think and may make the most important moments of your life even more precious, relaxing and empowering.

My Doula Regret

I feel very fortunate when I think back on the birth of both my children. I had a wonderful experience and it started our relationship off positively and easily. However, I do have one regret. Not asking for more help. The question who would I ask for help, is a tough one. Perhaps this is why I didnt ask anyone because I didnt know whoto ask. I didnt have my family close by, my parents are disabled and my sister lives in the US. My in laws are my in laws enough said! Plus I didnt want to ask other family or friends because I would feel guilty or didnt feel I could ask them to do things that really mattered (like cleaning the bathroom and puting the washing on. yes, I wanted to be able to say exactly what I needed, how I wanted it and when rather then living in chaos.

In hind sight I could have asked a Doula but I like many others didnt know what they did. So what is a Doula?

Having not employed one I am not the best person to answer this question so I have asked someone from the Scottish Doula Network to explain the role. However I know what I needed.

Firstly birthing at home with a pool does take a bit of planning and what I hadnt anticipated was that my partner might use this time to continue his DIY obsession. So rather then carrying out the many massage techniques we learnt in the 3 birthing courses we attended or helping me breathe. He spent his time filling the pool, testing water, ensuring sheets were on properly and goodness knows what else, while I was in the other room panting and groaning.

What I needed at that time was someone to look after these practical things (like a pool boy?) so that my husband could give me that emotional support. Oh and after all that,  as he wasnt convinced I was in active labour, he didnt start running the cold water until our baby was crowning. I remember clearly the last words he uttered as she was born ‘do you know where the telehone is?’

I also felt I needed a supporter who understood me and was just there for me. Even if they didnt do or say anything. Someone to help me physically cope with two children especially as having SPD meant I still couldn’t walk or lift properly. Friends offered to help but I didnt want to accept beacuse they have children themselves to look after.  

It would appear that as women  with fewer local family members and high expectations of what can be done within weeks of birth, that paying for a Doula is a great investment. You dont have to let things get out of control. you can still invites friends round and not worry wout the sick stains on the carpet or the state of the kitchen.

I would have started saving as soon as the test stick went blue.

More sleep please…..

Yes, we know sleep deprivation is used as torture but that doesnt help when you dont know how to get more of it. Its one of the first things new mums ask you, ‘how old is she/he?’ then ‘is she/he a good sleeper?’. Its as if you are being assessed on your parenting skills or genes within days of delivering your angel. when do you start labelling cherub a ‘good’ ‘bab’ sleeper and what effect does that have? What are your expectations? As someone smart once said you dont expect a baby to speak when its first born so why expect it to sleep through the night. however we have all seen friends struggling because their babys sleeping habit is preventing them from having enough sleep. The reasons they give are all very plausible: my baby is hungry, its light in the mornings, teething, breastfeeding, illness, out of their routine etc etc. when is there a real problem and at what age can it be solved?

Apparently 1/4 of parents suffer from lack of sleep yet the majority dont take professional advice to solve the problem. Perhaps labelling the problem makes it OK to live with? Often it can come to a head when there is significant change ie mum is returning to work: she can no longer look like a zombie or when another baby is coming and could tip the family over the coping threshold.

Sometimes waking in the middle of the night and having a cuddle answers the needs of the parents and child if you are not seeing one another enough during the day. However  its a nice comfort every now and then but not when you’ve had a late night or got a meeting first thing in the morning!

Without enough sleep to feel rested and energised it can be difficult to cope with your busy life let alone enjoy it. more sleep might even allow you to have an opportunity to nurture your own relationships spending relaxing time with your partner or catching up with friends in the evening.

Caroline Deacons Baby Calming book has a chapter on sleep. How it works and how it can get disrupted. The no cry sleep solution is another popular book for those that dont want to use controlled crying. For personal advice then do read Linda Russells article or better still speak to her. She coaches parents across the globe and helps to change families lives for the better. Could more sleep change yours?

Your New Baby and Sleep

By Linda Russell The Sleep Lady and Director of The Parent Coaching Studio

www.thesleeplady.co.uk www.theparentcoachingstudio.co.uk

 I work with families all over the world, to obtain something even more valuable and for some harder to obtain then winning the lottery ….. SLEEP.

Through my experience of working with 100’s of sleep deprived families, I have developed three stages you can follow during the first twelve weeks. This will give you, what I consider, the best start for your baby so you can enjoy this important time for bonding.

 Stage One  Week’s One to Four.   Get to know your baby

 You have just had your precious baby; it may be your first or your sixth but no matter what you and your baby need to get to know each other.

• You need to get over the birth and learn the ups and downs of feeding.
• You baby has been safely tucked up inside you wanting for nothing for the last nine months. Now once they are here in this big wide world, why should it be any different for them?
• So just spend time holding, feeding, cuddling; bonding with your baby.
• Feed as and when your baby wants and sleep whenever and wherever you can.

 Try and see your health visitor or go to your baby clinic once a week so you can keep an eye on your baby’s weight.

 Stage Two; Weeks’s Four to Six.    Start to think about sleep now.

 At this stage do not worry where sleep happens but start to keep a diary of all babies’ feeds and sleeps.

 Be rigid with your diary as this is going to be your guideline on moving to the next stage.

 Get your baby weighed, ideally try to get to see you health visitor or baby clinic fortnightly, unless of course they are asking you to see them more often or your baby is not gaining weight.

 Stage Three; Week’s Six to Eight.   Introducing a routine

 Only start this stage if your heath visitor is happy with your baby’s progress

 Day time routine

• If all is going well take a look at your diary. You should be able to see some key times that a feed or nap happens every day.
• With those times to hand start trying to introduce a bench mark feed or nap every day and  start to plan your day round that nap or feed.
• Next, with the regular feed time to hand, try to begin to space your feeds out a little more.
• If you are feeding on demand try to stretch your baby to feed no less than two hours apart, and try not to let your baby go more than three hours in the day without a feed.

 Night time routine

• Start to think about introducing a bed time routine
• Start to make the time for going to bed a quiet relaxing time.
• Once you leave the living room area your baby should not be brought back into the living area.
• Bath your baby, give a gentle massage and feed all in the bathroom and the room your baby will sleep in.
• Put your baby into their crib awake.

SLEEP TRAINING  

It is up to you how you would like to sleep train your baby to sleep, there are lots and lots of books out there that give you advice on how to settle your baby, I would suggest you choose the method that you feel most comfortable with.

 The method I work with is the pick up and put down routine.

• Put your baby in the crib, walk out of the room and leave to cry for three minutes, go back in and pat your baby to reassure them that you are still there. Pat for only a couple of minutes. Patting is to reassure your baby and not to get them to sleep. You will probably have to leave the room with your baby still crying.
• Leave the room for three minutes and return and pat again.
• Leave the room and return again after three minutes and if your baby is still crying pick up and calm down and then start the whole process again. Your baby may not calm down, so only hold for three or four minutes and put down again.
• Continue until your baby is asleep.
• As a guideline I would suggest this could take anything up to an hour, and could take up to a week for you to see your baby settling happily on their own.

 Stage Three; Weeks Eight to Twelve   Establishing a routine.

 Start to wake your baby up at the same time each day as this will help you to focus on the rest of the day.

• Push feeds a little longer, try not to feed anything less than three hours apart and no longer than three and half hours. It is better for your baby to feed more in the day than at night. (Again only start to push this forward if your baby is still gaining weight and your health visitor is happy at their progress).Try and see your health visitor or visit your baby clinic once a month.
• Work at your babies day time sleeps. I would suggest the ideal sleep times are a short nap for about an hour  in the morning (about an hour and half after first waking up), a longer nap at lunch time (up to two hours about two hours after morning nap) and a short nap in the late afternoon (about forty five minuets about two hours after waking up from lunch time nap).
• If you have other children at home try to juggle your baby’s routine to fit in with your other children’s day. For instance if you have a nursery run to do, your baby can sleep on the way to or from nursery.
• Try and juggle lunch time sleeps so they happen in your baby’s cot, as this also means you get a rest and you are not walking for hours to keep baby asleep in the pram.
• The last sleep of the day can happen in the car or buggy as you are coming home if you have been out for the afternoon.

Remember sleep is only an issue if you are not getting enough, if you have a method that works for you and your family then you have not got a sleep problem.

  Read a recent article in the herald http://www.theherald.co.uk/search/display.var.2475111.0.cant_sleep_wont_sleep.php

Know your maternity rights

Assumptions are very dangerous especially when they involve money! I hear from too many women who realise during their maternity leave that they haven’t been given the full story regarding their rights. This may be about notice periods, flexible working or what job they come back to.

its pretty confusing with all the changes to conditions and leave which were made earlier this year. therefore taking advice from a lawyer is sensible and to do it early. Many law firms act for companies so have a conflict of interest. In a small city like Edinburgh this can mean contacting 20 firms until you find one who will advise you which happened to client of mine last year. it meant she ran out of time to appeal so even though her employer was in the wrong she couldnt do many thing about it.  

I take advice from Ros @ MMS who have supplied this document. http://emailinfo.mms.co.uk/go.asp?/mNPYAR8/e/bMMS001/cutf%2D8

Do contact me if you need any further advice on what you should know and the first steps in asserting your rights.

For leaflets on maternity rights & parental leave download them from maternity action website http://www.maternityaction.org.uk/id28.html